p e n c h a n t

Déja vu: The Sequel hits bestseller list again

Bed poses as double

U-turn lane declares, “My turn”

FOR SALE: Persian rug complete w/ Persian cat (one-piece set)

Spotlight sees floaters

Senator denies denying denial

Slinky signs StairMaster endorsement

Elephant walkathon issues “Dung happens” stickers

Junior Potato Head peels with laughter

Literary news: Hamlet fails Q and A test

Archives: Elvis donates foot-long sideburns to charity auction

And the Good News Award goes to: Chicken gets to other side, safely

Post-holiday blues edition

Landscape painter snowed under

Small change wants money back

Macy’s manikin freezes from gawking crowd

For sale: resolution, good as new

Icicle mistaken for Washington Monument, thousands line up

Tea cart upset over display of tarts

Times Square renamed Times Rhombus

Tambourine shivers from hypothermia

Mistletoe charges overhead fee for flirts

Elephant sneezes during Nutcracker performance

Mrs. Potato Head bakes in tanning bed until “russet”

Literary news: Scrooge wants refund on failed security system

Archives: Warhol canvases city for soup cans

And the Good News Award goes to: Bell jingles all the way

Artist draws flies, conclusions, bath

Tail pipe exhausted

Funny bone cracks up, multiple fractures

For sale: cloud 9 (fixer-upper)

Aged man creeps out from under circumstances

Health Commissioner warns: “Obesity is next big thing”

Baker claims monkey bread missing link in food chain

Invisible man appears on Oprah

Elephant has crush on circus trainer

Mr. Potato Head schedules eye exam

Literary news: Spy comes in from heat, blames global warming

Archives: Einstein explains theory of expanding hair style

And the Good News Award goes to: Bed finds missing twin

Writer contends instead of should be rather than, instead of instead of

Lawnmower cuts and runs

Pothole treated for depression

For sale: pie in the sky (fixer-upper)

Cell phone gives fiance ring

Fork in road splits, DOT conducts search

Graying elephant orders wrinkle cream

Steamroller victim charged for three hospital gowns

Mr. Potato Head foiled again

Literary news: Pinocchio gets nose job

Archives: Virgil tells Dante where to go

And the Good News Award goes to: Foyer passes entrance exam

Artist sharpens pencil, draws blank

Weed-eater caught inhaling

Survivor found on islets of Langerhans

For sale: space station (fixer-upper)

Coffee table can’t stand still

Hangnail files for separation

Elephant does Watusi

Mr Potato Head drowns in Greece

Literary news: Frankenstein seen entering second-hand store

Archives: Oscar Mayer speaks frankly to press

And the Good News Award goes to: Beatnik gets hip operation

Landscape painter acquires green thumb

Lawnmower quits, joins Rotary club

Iceberg sees shrink

Shoemaker bares awl, shocks thief

For sale: American Dream (fixer-upper)

Houseplant covers crackpot in domestic dispute

Elephant works for peanuts, blames job crisis

Mr. Potato Head chosen poster boy for visionary society

Literary news: Raven dies of bird flu, Poe’s ghost mourns

Archives: Churchill wakes with ugly hangover

And the Good News Award goes to: Cat comes when called

Artist paints self-portrait of alter ego painting self-portrait of artist

Lawnmower quits, goes green

Fishnet stockings catch walleye

For sale: glass house (fixer upper)

Safety commission issues boomerang recall

Comedian needles thread

Elephant turns up nose at memory book

Mr. Potato Head wins Idaho gubernatorial race

Literary news: Three little pigs get swine flu shots

Archives: Buddha’s liposuction canceled

And the Good News Award goes to: 1^st edition found underneath it all

Cadmium red depleted, artist cuts ear

Lawnmower quits, stoned

Estranged scissors rejoined at hips

For sale: Babel tower (fixer-upper)

EPA: GM AT&T CEO BM OK

Lounge chairs charged for loitering

Elephant heard trumpeting Miles

Mr. Potato Head parties hard, mashed (Mrs. Potato Head boils)

Literary news: Hatter out of clean cups, goes sane

Archives: Dylan meets mystery tramp in mirror

And the Good News Award goes to: NYC taxi stops on dime

Manuscript in need of repair, files Chapter 11

Lawnmower quits, couldn’t make grade

Beached shark coughs up dentures

For sale: air castle (fixer-upper)

Snail seeks damages in USPS suit

Toothpick dies of anorexia

Elephant on knees, sprays, repents

Mr. Potato Head loses eye while shaving

Literary news: Cockroach wakes up as salesman, wants life back

Archives: Gandhi declines diaper company celeb ad deal

And the Good News Award goes to: Toddler puts shoes on right feet

Artist dips brush into coffee, sips paint water

Lawnmower quits. No benefits, low pay

Dogs find relief work in mad Englishman’s garden

For sale: ivory tower (fixer-upper)

Facebook at puberty, bemoans acne

Thin man vanishes into thin air

Psychiatrist’s couch diagnosed with multiple personality disorder

Disgruntled elephant packs trunk, leaves

Mr. Potato Head loves LensCrafters

Literary news: Seven Gables reduced to six, housing crisis blamed

Archives: Chaplin raises cane in Hollywood

And the Good News Award goes to: Peanut butter on toast lands right side up

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Serially folks, this new news column will post whenever the inked rollers roll.